This was much harder than Obama's speech, because if you remove ALL of the bull shit then there isn't really much of anything left. However, think of this more as wrenching the truth out of the pack of lies.
Hi.
I accept.
Thanks supporters.
Thanks Bush.
Thanks wife & kids.
Thanks mom.
Thanks to anyone I might have missed.
Way to go Obama.
Patriotic filler.
Life kinda sucks now, what with trying to afford to eat and all.
I will save you from 8 years of Bush.
To help me, I chose Sarah Palin.
See is like Wonder Woman, only hotter and stronger.
She has imaginary experience in everything.
She will help me change Washington.
The change starts now.
With my new slogan.
Which is about change.
That I shamelessly stole from Obama.
But you're too busy checking out my new VP to notice.
I've a maverick.
And we are going to change Washington.
I don't work for lobbyist.
Because I fired them all from my staff.
Now I work for you.
At a non-specific time in the past I fought for truth, justice and the American way.
I support sending more troops to Iraq.
It only took 6 years but we are starting to win in Iraq.
I have fought something all my life.
Right now I'm fighting for you.
Lots of Republicans were busted for corruption & sex scandals, but that's all behind us now.
Foreign oil is bad.
"The party of Lincoln, Roosevelt and Reagan is going to get back to basics" (actual quote from speech)
I'm hoping you are too stupid to realize that these three Presidents had completely different political philosophies.
You are cheering, so looks like that was a yes.
Inspirational boilerplate.
I believe in low taxes . . . for the rich.
I believe in rewarding hard work . . . unless you're an illegal immigrant.
I believe in spending discipline . . .ha ha ha, ok, not really.
I believe in values so obnoxiously vague they mean virtually nothing.
Seriously, who is going to call me out for saying we need good judges, creative people and smiling puppies?
Anyone?
Yeah, thought not.
Here is a rambling collection of vauge promises that I will call a plan:
"I will keep taxes low and cut them where I can. My opponent will raise them."
I can say that because I know none of you are actually going to check me on this.
"I will open new markets to our goods and services. My opponent will close them."
???
"I will cut government spending. He will increase it."
Yeah, I just said that with a straight face.
Because my balls are so big they drag the ground behind me when I walk.
"My tax cuts will create jobs. His tax increases will eliminate them."
Black is white, up is down.
Government run health care is from the devil.
Whom some of you will meet,after you die from lack of health care.
I will lower taxes and trim big government.
I will magically make more jobs appear.
Everybody needs a good education.
Obama will make your kids stupid, I will not.
We will end our dependence on oil from the Middle East
And begin our dependence on oil from Alaska and the easter seaboard.
Obama thinks we can achieve energy independence without more drilling, but Americans know better.
Because Americans are fucking stupid.
Renewable energy, like government health care, is also from the devil.
Two wars and 9 trillion dollars later we have dealt a serious blow to Al-Qaida.
But they are not defeated.
And the goat fuckers will strike again if they can.
Because bombing the shit out of their country apparently didn't work out quite how I thought it would.
And that is why we must attack Iran.
Don't stop to think if that made any sense, just go with it.
And don't think I'm not going to bitch-slap Russia for invading Georgia.
I haven't forgotten about them either.
More bio.
"I hate war. It is terrible beyond imagination."
Well, I hate being in war, because that sucks.
Especially the whole POW thing.
But running a war, that actually is pretty sweet.
More inspiration boilerplate.
Mom & apple pie.
In case you missed it, here is my totally original message of "change"
Ha ha mother fuckers, you didn't think I was going to wrap things up without telling my POW story again did you?
You did?
Suckers.
In conclusion, I am Super Man.
He is Lex Luthor.
I'm a real American hero.
He is a bald super villain.
And real Americans don't' vote for super villains.
Goodbye.
Hi.
I accept.
Thanks supporters.
Thanks Bush.
Thanks wife & kids.
Thanks mom.
Thanks to anyone I might have missed.
Way to go Obama.
Patriotic filler.
Life kinda sucks now, what with trying to afford to eat and all.
I will save you from 8 years of Bush.
To help me, I chose Sarah Palin.
See is like Wonder Woman, only hotter and stronger.
She has imaginary experience in everything.
She will help me change Washington.
The change starts now.
With my new slogan.
Which is about change.
That I shamelessly stole from Obama.
But you're too busy checking out my new VP to notice.
I've a maverick.
And we are going to change Washington.
I don't work for lobbyist.
Because I fired them all from my staff.
Now I work for you.
At a non-specific time in the past I fought for truth, justice and the American way.
I support sending more troops to Iraq.
It only took 6 years but we are starting to win in Iraq.
I have fought something all my life.
Right now I'm fighting for you.
Lots of Republicans were busted for corruption & sex scandals, but that's all behind us now.
Foreign oil is bad.
"The party of Lincoln, Roosevelt and Reagan is going to get back to basics" (actual quote from speech)
I'm hoping you are too stupid to realize that these three Presidents had completely different political philosophies.
You are cheering, so looks like that was a yes.
Inspirational boilerplate.
I believe in low taxes . . . for the rich.
I believe in rewarding hard work . . . unless you're an illegal immigrant.
I believe in spending discipline . . .ha ha ha, ok, not really.
I believe in values so obnoxiously vague they mean virtually nothing.
Seriously, who is going to call me out for saying we need good judges, creative people and smiling puppies?
Anyone?
Yeah, thought not.
Here is a rambling collection of vauge promises that I will call a plan:
"I will keep taxes low and cut them where I can. My opponent will raise them."
I can say that because I know none of you are actually going to check me on this.
"I will open new markets to our goods and services. My opponent will close them."
???
"I will cut government spending. He will increase it."
Yeah, I just said that with a straight face.
Because my balls are so big they drag the ground behind me when I walk.
"My tax cuts will create jobs. His tax increases will eliminate them."
Black is white, up is down.
Government run health care is from the devil.
Whom some of you will meet,after you die from lack of health care.
I will lower taxes and trim big government.
I will magically make more jobs appear.
Everybody needs a good education.
Obama will make your kids stupid, I will not.
We will end our dependence on oil from the Middle East
And begin our dependence on oil from Alaska and the easter seaboard.
Obama thinks we can achieve energy independence without more drilling, but Americans know better.
Because Americans are fucking stupid.
Renewable energy, like government health care, is also from the devil.
Two wars and 9 trillion dollars later we have dealt a serious blow to Al-Qaida.
But they are not defeated.
And the goat fuckers will strike again if they can.
Because bombing the shit out of their country apparently didn't work out quite how I thought it would.
And that is why we must attack Iran.
Don't stop to think if that made any sense, just go with it.
And don't think I'm not going to bitch-slap Russia for invading Georgia.
I haven't forgotten about them either.
More bio.
"I hate war. It is terrible beyond imagination."
Well, I hate being in war, because that sucks.
Especially the whole POW thing.
But running a war, that actually is pretty sweet.
More inspiration boilerplate.
Mom & apple pie.
In case you missed it, here is my totally original message of "change"
Ha ha mother fuckers, you didn't think I was going to wrap things up without telling my POW story again did you?
You did?
Suckers.
In conclusion, I am Super Man.
He is Lex Luthor.
I'm a real American hero.
He is a bald super villain.
And real Americans don't' vote for super villains.
Goodbye.
